Letter from my emotion: my body, by soul, my spirit man

I received this email yesterday and I did not know what to do with it, it was not asking for comfort, response or even an acknowledgement. All I could think about was posting it this morning.

I am dealing with a lot of s*** right now. I am really struggling with my emotions and it is just so hard not to think or doing anything else.

I wrote down the worse of my emotions last night and my boyfriend, my lover, my husband – Augustus saw it. I guess it really scarred him and I can imagine him thinking “what thing did I end up with” what kind of person is this that thinks and writes such a thing”. Well, this is rage, rage rage, rage I feel so much rage towards *my situation* right now, it is hard for anyone to imagine how I feel. Not even Augustus. He does not know how to respond to anyone’s emotions, including mine and anything is unfamiliar with; he refused to understand or comprehend it. It repels him and he thinks that he can forcefully eject out from me.

I really struggle when he behaves like this. I don’t get an emotional support from him at all and sometimes, it is really hard for me. Emotions for me are the rawness of my soul and spirit, the tiny speaking voices, with cords that attempt to tear my soul apart and suffocate my spirit. I get torn from my spirit man, I seek to understand or see the invincible hand of God, to understand why this has happened. I am lost in my own battle to secure my soul and spirit, from the destruction of this rage. I used to lash out, and let it consume me, take me to a dark alley of self- pity, rejection and sorrow; but now , I simply write about it, furiously typing away at my laptop, pouring out the darkest innermost things from the tiny voices taking temporary refugee in my soul and spirit.

In this situation, I look at people around me in a different light, I see all the fault of those closest to me, including my boyfriend, my lover my husband- Augustus and I struggle to love, love like I know it. I looked at him yesterday, talking and speaking to me about his day and there I was emotional drained and torn with the state of my soul and spirit. I kept thinking of what he could do to help me, a kiss, a cuddle, someone to talk to, pour out my spirit and soul to, but I know that he can never handle it. I sit in his heart, an image of what he expects and wants. He does all he can to fit me into his mould, by talking, forcing or breaking me., Most times, I decided to change, ‘cos I love him too much to do otherwise. My love for him is at a depth and length that I can not imagine not being with him. In the process I settle for what I get from him… sometimes, emotional, I don’t think my soul and spirit is married to his. In my state of rage, I see his faults and shortcomings and resign to what I can never get. I am a very content person, I am happy with whatever I get and where I am, ‘cos I believe I put in a lot and most times my best into whatever I do, and as they say “you can only do your best” I went into the bathroom yesterday after the confrontation and I cried and cried, I cried in the shower, until my eyes were blood red and my head was pounding. I wished the one I loved followed me upstairs, stood at the door and tried to take away this pain or even attempt share it with me.

My heart is broken, my soul is torn and the spirit man is lost, for what they have become. I wish there was someone that understood. I wish there was someone I can talk to about this, someone that can share my pain and hold my hands as I got through this dark, long and lonely tunnel. I though that was what my boyfriend, my lover and husband was for, but he does not understand, he can not handle this, this is alien and foreign to him, but this is not his image of me. My battle is from both sides. I am not sure which pain is greater.