I hope you are all having a good week so far. I have been busy with my French lessons, going off to central London twice a week. I am also proud to say I have completed Nelson Mandela’s autobiography… Long Walk to Freedom.
I am starting on a book that is looking to explain the origins of the Afenifere and the history of the Yoruba land ruling class. The book is by Olawale Oshun – The kiss of death.
I have just started this morning and already had someone on the train ask me about it. It covers the time of Awolowo, through to the death of Bola Ige and how Afenifere has evolved since then. Wish me luck.
It is quite a painful read for me, but it one worth reading. I am currently at this stage of my life, where I am drawn to the politics of Nigeria, the Yoruba ruling class and trying to find some meaning to the present political and social degradation in Nigeria.
p.s: I friend of mine is in Abuja for the 1st ever Nigeria feminist conference. What is feminism? Are feminists just men hating, bra burning “western women”? Is there a place for feminism in the African culture?
Thursday 24 January 2008
Tuesday 22 January 2008
How do I get my ex back?
I need help fast! A friend of mine wants his ex-girlfriend back, after many years. She is not having it and she is very SINGLE. How does he beg her?
Buy flowers, chocolates, call, etc. I need ideas. He wants to woo her like he has never done before and he is wants her back for the long term.
Buy flowers, chocolates, call, etc. I need ideas. He wants to woo her like he has never done before and he is wants her back for the long term.
Monday 21 January 2008
Martin Luther King jr…
If a great man ever lived in America, it was Martin Luther king Jr. If a black man ever lived his life, leaving behind his foot prints in the history books, then it was this man. Every 3rd Monday in January, Americans celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. day to celebrate his birth, life and what he stood for. The end to segregation and equality for African Americans.
Here is a reminder of what he stood for and my thoughts on how his quotes though 40years since his death, speaks volume of Nigeria’s present situation.
“The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically... Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.”
- There is still a significant number of Nigerians with no access to free and good primary and secondary education. Primary schools are filled with teachers, poorly paid with no access to good teaching materials and the universities, lecturers are more concerned about failing students and selling hand-outs. The true meaning of education is lost in all of this decay.
“The time is always right to do what is right”.
- It is time for the political leaders of Nigeria to do the right thing. History will do a man no favours, if he fails to do the right thing in the present.
“I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live”.
- When are Nigerians going to stand up against the incompetence of its leaders, the corrupt and effective civil institutions and liberate itself from the shackles of poverty?
“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools”.
- War, killings and division is not the answer to the Nigeria’s problem, a sovereign national conference is needed to acknowledge our challenges and agree the way forward.
“Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed”.
- We can not wait for an ineffective minority ruling class to set us free, we must collectively, speaking with one voice demand that enough is enough. Only then will freedom come. 90% of Nigerian’s income comes from the Niger Delta, and yet a region that only contributes 6% to the GDP gets the lion share. The North only contributes 6% to our GDP, yet, by land mass and population, they account for 55% of our population.
-
“The church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society”.
- Unfortunately, the churches in Nigeria, in itself a corrupt establishments, with the sole aim of condoning the activities of our corrupt leaders and taking from the poor masses, their widow’s mite.
“Life's most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?
- A lot of Nigerians are more concerned about what others can do for them, than what they can do for themselves, neighbours and less fortunate ones.
p.s: I don’t mean to be a doomsayer and always blogging about what is not working in Nigeria but I find that a lot of us are too content with short term improves. My cry is for a strategic change, in all the ramifications of governance in Nigeria, with long lasting benefits that will out live the present generation.
.
Here is a reminder of what he stood for and my thoughts on how his quotes though 40years since his death, speaks volume of Nigeria’s present situation.
“The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically... Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.”
- There is still a significant number of Nigerians with no access to free and good primary and secondary education. Primary schools are filled with teachers, poorly paid with no access to good teaching materials and the universities, lecturers are more concerned about failing students and selling hand-outs. The true meaning of education is lost in all of this decay.
“The time is always right to do what is right”.
- It is time for the political leaders of Nigeria to do the right thing. History will do a man no favours, if he fails to do the right thing in the present.
“I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live”.
- When are Nigerians going to stand up against the incompetence of its leaders, the corrupt and effective civil institutions and liberate itself from the shackles of poverty?
“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools”.
- War, killings and division is not the answer to the Nigeria’s problem, a sovereign national conference is needed to acknowledge our challenges and agree the way forward.
“Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed”.
- We can not wait for an ineffective minority ruling class to set us free, we must collectively, speaking with one voice demand that enough is enough. Only then will freedom come. 90% of Nigerian’s income comes from the Niger Delta, and yet a region that only contributes 6% to the GDP gets the lion share. The North only contributes 6% to our GDP, yet, by land mass and population, they account for 55% of our population.
-
“The church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society”.
- Unfortunately, the churches in Nigeria, in itself a corrupt establishments, with the sole aim of condoning the activities of our corrupt leaders and taking from the poor masses, their widow’s mite.
“Life's most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?
- A lot of Nigerians are more concerned about what others can do for them, than what they can do for themselves, neighbours and less fortunate ones.
p.s: I don’t mean to be a doomsayer and always blogging about what is not working in Nigeria but I find that a lot of us are too content with short term improves. My cry is for a strategic change, in all the ramifications of governance in Nigeria, with long lasting benefits that will out live the present generation.
.
Friday 18 January 2008
Motherless and abandoned children in Nigeria
Dear all,
We can all do our bit for the motherless and abandoned children of Nigeria and Africa. Please look at this video presentation of donations, made possible by some wonderful ladies in London; to the Alakara Juvenile Center, lagos Nigeria. Funmi Iyanda champions this course in the blogsville and I am grateful to her and her team, for ensuring that the donations reached the center in good time for Christmas.
This video is so moving, I can not believe how such a small gesture like this, could create so much happiness. I want to say a big thank you to all the ladies that helped make this happen
I am collecting donations for the Easter package; please let me know if you are interested in being part of this simple, yet wonderful gesture. Books, children’s clothes, toys etc are all appreciated. I will be happy to collect anywhere in London.
Have a good weekend and think about helping a child in Nigeria.
We can all do our bit for the motherless and abandoned children of Nigeria and Africa. Please look at this video presentation of donations, made possible by some wonderful ladies in London; to the Alakara Juvenile Center, lagos Nigeria. Funmi Iyanda champions this course in the blogsville and I am grateful to her and her team, for ensuring that the donations reached the center in good time for Christmas.
This video is so moving, I can not believe how such a small gesture like this, could create so much happiness. I want to say a big thank you to all the ladies that helped make this happen
I am collecting donations for the Easter package; please let me know if you are interested in being part of this simple, yet wonderful gesture. Books, children’s clothes, toys etc are all appreciated. I will be happy to collect anywhere in London.
Have a good weekend and think about helping a child in Nigeria.
Signing out - Aspiring Nigerian woman
Thursday 17 January 2008
Naija for show...Obasanjo divorce & Others
Sorry I have been on AWOL, I am usually dedicated to this blog. I have been immersing myself in Nelson Mandela’s book and realising how “ordinary my life is”,
A number of things in the Nigeria media right now.
Gbenga Obasanjo’s bitter divorce with Moji –
Talk about washing dirty laundry in public. They are both equally mad and insane. I hope they will ever forgive themselves for all the damage and hurt they have cause their children and would do in the future. Shame on them!
It reminds of my parent’s divorce or separation, whatever you call it, ‘cos they are still not legally divorced. All the disclaimers and petitions they wrote against each other, in the end it killed both their accounting practices. My mum quickly recovered, but I think my dad is still in the mess after 17 years. Went off to marry another woman, thinking the grass was greener on the other side.
Divorce is a bitter pill to swallow by any child and the effect of it, runs from one generation to the other.
Nigerian… going nuclear
If nuclear plants are the solution to Nigeria’s energy problem, then I think we should go ahead. There are a lot of issues on safety and the decommissioning, but putting it in the hands of reputable private companies, with strict legal framework and policies that mirror what we have in the UK and France might make it work. I don’t care what the international community’s view is on this ‘cos if we need electricity to develop and nuclear energy is the way to go, so be it.
Shell Nigeria… downsizing
Shell is down sizing because of the loss of revenue from the problem in the Niger Delta. It is a shame that the world is only just beginning to listen to the people of Niger Delta, after they went militant. Shell, the biggest oil company in Nigeria, for over 66years closed its eyes and ears to the social, environmental and economic deprivation of the Oil region and its people. They are now scaling done their operations. Let them leave; there are other oil companies that will be happy to take over and work responsibly. It is no longer business as usual and you will have to pay for your past actions. Today will pay for yesterday… if you don’t pay your dues in season
A number of things in the Nigeria media right now.
Gbenga Obasanjo’s bitter divorce with Moji –
Talk about washing dirty laundry in public. They are both equally mad and insane. I hope they will ever forgive themselves for all the damage and hurt they have cause their children and would do in the future. Shame on them!
It reminds of my parent’s divorce or separation, whatever you call it, ‘cos they are still not legally divorced. All the disclaimers and petitions they wrote against each other, in the end it killed both their accounting practices. My mum quickly recovered, but I think my dad is still in the mess after 17 years. Went off to marry another woman, thinking the grass was greener on the other side.
Divorce is a bitter pill to swallow by any child and the effect of it, runs from one generation to the other.
Nigerian… going nuclear
If nuclear plants are the solution to Nigeria’s energy problem, then I think we should go ahead. There are a lot of issues on safety and the decommissioning, but putting it in the hands of reputable private companies, with strict legal framework and policies that mirror what we have in the UK and France might make it work. I don’t care what the international community’s view is on this ‘cos if we need electricity to develop and nuclear energy is the way to go, so be it.
Shell Nigeria… downsizing
Shell is down sizing because of the loss of revenue from the problem in the Niger Delta. It is a shame that the world is only just beginning to listen to the people of Niger Delta, after they went militant. Shell, the biggest oil company in Nigeria, for over 66years closed its eyes and ears to the social, environmental and economic deprivation of the Oil region and its people. They are now scaling done their operations. Let them leave; there are other oil companies that will be happy to take over and work responsibly. It is no longer business as usual and you will have to pay for your past actions. Today will pay for yesterday… if you don’t pay your dues in season
Friday 11 January 2008
Long Walk to Freedom... Nelson Mandela
Another great book, by a fantastic strong, black African son of the soil. I am only in the second chapter, but all I think about it that
“The struggle of a thousand miles starts with one step”
“A great man is made, but born”
“The road to greatest begins with a seed, sown by what you hear, read, believe or even stumble upon.”
I am content in knowing that we share the same heritage, history, skin colour and belong to a fantastic continent… Africa, the great continent!
Enjoy your weekend all! Chris Rock is in town this month and I am planning to get some tickets! Next week is going to be fabulous (I love this word, has been ghettoised though), I am seeing a friend coming in from out of town and we will be painting westend red!
“The struggle of a thousand miles starts with one step”
“A great man is made, but born”
“The road to greatest begins with a seed, sown by what you hear, read, believe or even stumble upon.”
I am content in knowing that we share the same heritage, history, skin colour and belong to a fantastic continent… Africa, the great continent!
Enjoy your weekend all! Chris Rock is in town this month and I am planning to get some tickets! Next week is going to be fabulous (I love this word, has been ghettoised though), I am seeing a friend coming in from out of town and we will be painting westend red!
Signing out - Aspiring nigerian woman
Thursday 10 January 2008
What went wrong with Nigeria...by Patrick Wilmot
I have been reading this very powerful book, by Patrick Wilmot(can't find him on wikipedia), called INTERVENSIONS VI – Nigeria the nightmare scenario. I would advise any patriotic Nigerian to read this book. It is just a powerful insight to what went wrong with Nigeria and more importantly, what today’s intellectuals, include all Nigerian bloggers can do, going forward.
I simply cannot review this book. I will do it no justice. I lack the expertise, experience or even audacity to attempt to review it. I will simply make a mockery of it. However, I will humbly attempt to proudly, write down some extracts from the book.
Nigeria has been a failure. Nothing works – from health, education, housing, manufactures, telephones, roads, and the historic record is almost blank. In a thousand years scholars could look back and sigh “there is no sign here that wise men once rules”
Like the Japanese, the Chinese think of themselves as a group, a people, a collective capable of concentrating a national consciousness. The Russians, forced into collective action by Lenin and Stalin, have now followed the Americans into individualism and consumerism. Nigerians, associated into the tight knit communities in the past, now purse an extreme of individualism that is selfish and anarchic. Like the Russians the Nigerians have degenerated into corruption and criminality.
The future would have no pity for those men who, processing the exceptional privilege of being able to speak words of truth to their oppressors, have taken refuge in an attitude of passivity, of mute indifference, and sometimes of cold complicity.
Civil society, the opposition, press, judiciary are modern mechanisms for ensuring that leaders govern in the interests of the people rather themselves and their family. These were won in Europe and America through popular struggles, sometimes with inhuman sacrifices. They were not gifts of the leaders, and everyone who longs for freedom must be prepared to sacrifice.
p.s: All credits and copywrite to Patrick Wilmot, none of these are mine.
I simply cannot review this book. I will do it no justice. I lack the expertise, experience or even audacity to attempt to review it. I will simply make a mockery of it. However, I will humbly attempt to proudly, write down some extracts from the book.
Nigeria has been a failure. Nothing works – from health, education, housing, manufactures, telephones, roads, and the historic record is almost blank. In a thousand years scholars could look back and sigh “there is no sign here that wise men once rules”
Like the Japanese, the Chinese think of themselves as a group, a people, a collective capable of concentrating a national consciousness. The Russians, forced into collective action by Lenin and Stalin, have now followed the Americans into individualism and consumerism. Nigerians, associated into the tight knit communities in the past, now purse an extreme of individualism that is selfish and anarchic. Like the Russians the Nigerians have degenerated into corruption and criminality.
The future would have no pity for those men who, processing the exceptional privilege of being able to speak words of truth to their oppressors, have taken refuge in an attitude of passivity, of mute indifference, and sometimes of cold complicity.
Civil society, the opposition, press, judiciary are modern mechanisms for ensuring that leaders govern in the interests of the people rather themselves and their family. These were won in Europe and America through popular struggles, sometimes with inhuman sacrifices. They were not gifts of the leaders, and everyone who longs for freedom must be prepared to sacrifice.
p.s: All credits and copywrite to Patrick Wilmot, none of these are mine.
Wednesday 9 January 2008
Being black and proud... what we stand for
I have been holding off blogging on this, until today, ‘cos I wanted to see what will happen at the New Hampshire today. My husband and I woke up at the early hours of this morning, to hear the results and Hilary Clinton won the New Hampshire, by 3%, against Obama
Yes people, it is all about Obama, our own 1st generation African American. He is mixed race, with a Kenyan father and an American white mother, which still makes him a black man (I wonder why). I am so excited that he has come this far and the fact that he represents what myself and every other 1st generation African American/British, living in the US/UK or any part of the West aspires for.
Obama represents all the goodness of being African is all about. He represents to me, what I can become, in the midst of all the racial discrimination and prejudice. He represents the good forces of being black in this part of the world, outside for rap music, black on black youth killings in the UK, racial riots in France, discrimination in Holland, prejudice in Norway etc. He represents the “can do attitude” and “never say die” attitude of Africans and Black people.
Weather he wins the democratic nomination, to run for the US presidency or not, he is a winner in my own eyes. He is why I am happy to be black and proud.
I saw him with his proud black wife and beautiful two daughters and all I could think about is shame to all the Nigerian men that keep having marital affairs, shame to them that think their woman is not good enough, pretty enough. Shame to them that are not happy with “female children”, shame to them that feel incomplete without a son.
Shame to the governors, political leaders, presidents (past and present), public office holders that keep stealing money and laundering our resources.
I am proud of Obama, he is a president in my own eyes!
My driving lessons
I have been driving lessons for 2-3 years now, and boy, I am not passing this test oh! Anyway, I recently changed my instructor and his guy is pretty good and always nagging me about what I am doing wrong… bless him. A few lessons ago, we got into this discussions about black people being bad drivers and pedestrians. He calls blacks “coloured”. I never thought I would ever meet anyone refer to blacks as coloured. Don’t get me wrong the guy is not racist; he is just ignorant…which is not an excuse, but I just find him very intriguing and I knew aggression was not the way to change his thinking. I had to understand where he was coming from and find a way to educate him. Also, for my own education, I wanted to understand his thinking.
Back to my story, the conversation with him, started a few weeks ago and I have been bidding my time, until this afternoon’s lesson; when I started showing examples of bad non- black drivers and why generalising was wrong, ‘cos you end up boxing people up. I told him to stop saying “coloured” ‘cos it was derogatory (I think). I also told him that the area we were driving was a relatively poor area, low incomers and thus will be the case for the black and white living there. I told him that I found people in this area rude, especially the “whites”, but I would be incorrect to say all “whites” are rude. Anyway, he kept saying “this is what I see”, “this is my own experience “then I told him that just ‘cos it was his own experience did not mean his conclusions were right. More than anything else, he is responsible for what he says and he should be mindful of the effect or actions of what he says. Anyway, the guy is an instructor, little or no education and his perception of blacks is what the systems, media and his environment tells him.
I have lessons with him tomorrow, so I am going to tell him about Barrack Obama! I also want to show him that I am a black and proud woman and I stand for all that is good about being Black. I plan to pass my test and drive safely.
Yes people, it is all about Obama, our own 1st generation African American. He is mixed race, with a Kenyan father and an American white mother, which still makes him a black man (I wonder why). I am so excited that he has come this far and the fact that he represents what myself and every other 1st generation African American/British, living in the US/UK or any part of the West aspires for.
Obama represents all the goodness of being African is all about. He represents to me, what I can become, in the midst of all the racial discrimination and prejudice. He represents the good forces of being black in this part of the world, outside for rap music, black on black youth killings in the UK, racial riots in France, discrimination in Holland, prejudice in Norway etc. He represents the “can do attitude” and “never say die” attitude of Africans and Black people.
Weather he wins the democratic nomination, to run for the US presidency or not, he is a winner in my own eyes. He is why I am happy to be black and proud.
I saw him with his proud black wife and beautiful two daughters and all I could think about is shame to all the Nigerian men that keep having marital affairs, shame to them that think their woman is not good enough, pretty enough. Shame to them that are not happy with “female children”, shame to them that feel incomplete without a son.
Shame to the governors, political leaders, presidents (past and present), public office holders that keep stealing money and laundering our resources.
I am proud of Obama, he is a president in my own eyes!
My driving lessons
I have been driving lessons for 2-3 years now, and boy, I am not passing this test oh! Anyway, I recently changed my instructor and his guy is pretty good and always nagging me about what I am doing wrong… bless him. A few lessons ago, we got into this discussions about black people being bad drivers and pedestrians. He calls blacks “coloured”. I never thought I would ever meet anyone refer to blacks as coloured. Don’t get me wrong the guy is not racist; he is just ignorant…which is not an excuse, but I just find him very intriguing and I knew aggression was not the way to change his thinking. I had to understand where he was coming from and find a way to educate him. Also, for my own education, I wanted to understand his thinking.
Back to my story, the conversation with him, started a few weeks ago and I have been bidding my time, until this afternoon’s lesson; when I started showing examples of bad non- black drivers and why generalising was wrong, ‘cos you end up boxing people up. I told him to stop saying “coloured” ‘cos it was derogatory (I think). I also told him that the area we were driving was a relatively poor area, low incomers and thus will be the case for the black and white living there. I told him that I found people in this area rude, especially the “whites”, but I would be incorrect to say all “whites” are rude. Anyway, he kept saying “this is what I see”, “this is my own experience “then I told him that just ‘cos it was his own experience did not mean his conclusions were right. More than anything else, he is responsible for what he says and he should be mindful of the effect or actions of what he says. Anyway, the guy is an instructor, little or no education and his perception of blacks is what the systems, media and his environment tells him.
I have lessons with him tomorrow, so I am going to tell him about Barrack Obama! I also want to show him that I am a black and proud woman and I stand for all that is good about being Black. I plan to pass my test and drive safely.
Tuesday 8 January 2008
My world
My world is not round, it is not flat, and it does not fit any scientific reasoning or religious belief. Everything that happens in my world; all my decisions and actions move in a circle. The decisions and actions I make today, I reap tomorrow. Nothing happens in isolation.
My world is built around my understanding of situations at any point in time
It is shaped by my belief and my experiences
I don’t believe in destiny, I don’t believe in fate, I believe that I am the architect and builder of my own world, all I ask and seek I will get, but in due season
My worlds exist in the confines of a superior being, far greater than I can ever imagine and his hands are always wide open, with all I seek and desire. He allows me to build my world.
- Aspiring nigerian woman
My world is built around my understanding of situations at any point in time
It is shaped by my belief and my experiences
I don’t believe in destiny, I don’t believe in fate, I believe that I am the architect and builder of my own world, all I ask and seek I will get, but in due season
My worlds exist in the confines of a superior being, far greater than I can ever imagine and his hands are always wide open, with all I seek and desire. He allows me to build my world.
- Aspiring nigerian woman
Monday 7 January 2008
Letter from my emotion: my body, by soul, my spirit man
I received this email yesterday and I did not know what to do with it, it was not asking for comfort, response or even an acknowledgement. All I could think about was posting it this morning.
I am dealing with a lot of s*** right now. I am really struggling with my emotions and it is just so hard not to think or doing anything else.
I wrote down the worse of my emotions last night and my boyfriend, my lover, my husband – Augustus saw it. I guess it really scarred him and I can imagine him thinking “what thing did I end up with” what kind of person is this that thinks and writes such a thing”. Well, this is rage, rage rage, rage I feel so much rage towards *my situation* right now, it is hard for anyone to imagine how I feel. Not even Augustus. He does not know how to respond to anyone’s emotions, including mine and anything is unfamiliar with; he refused to understand or comprehend it. It repels him and he thinks that he can forcefully eject out from me.
I really struggle when he behaves like this. I don’t get an emotional support from him at all and sometimes, it is really hard for me. Emotions for me are the rawness of my soul and spirit, the tiny speaking voices, with cords that attempt to tear my soul apart and suffocate my spirit. I get torn from my spirit man, I seek to understand or see the invincible hand of God, to understand why this has happened. I am lost in my own battle to secure my soul and spirit, from the destruction of this rage. I used to lash out, and let it consume me, take me to a dark alley of self- pity, rejection and sorrow; but now , I simply write about it, furiously typing away at my laptop, pouring out the darkest innermost things from the tiny voices taking temporary refugee in my soul and spirit.
In this situation, I look at people around me in a different light, I see all the fault of those closest to me, including my boyfriend, my lover my husband- Augustus and I struggle to love, love like I know it. I looked at him yesterday, talking and speaking to me about his day and there I was emotional drained and torn with the state of my soul and spirit. I kept thinking of what he could do to help me, a kiss, a cuddle, someone to talk to, pour out my spirit and soul to, but I know that he can never handle it. I sit in his heart, an image of what he expects and wants. He does all he can to fit me into his mould, by talking, forcing or breaking me., Most times, I decided to change, ‘cos I love him too much to do otherwise. My love for him is at a depth and length that I can not imagine not being with him. In the process I settle for what I get from him… sometimes, emotional, I don’t think my soul and spirit is married to his. In my state of rage, I see his faults and shortcomings and resign to what I can never get. I am a very content person, I am happy with whatever I get and where I am, ‘cos I believe I put in a lot and most times my best into whatever I do, and as they say “you can only do your best” I went into the bathroom yesterday after the confrontation and I cried and cried, I cried in the shower, until my eyes were blood red and my head was pounding. I wished the one I loved followed me upstairs, stood at the door and tried to take away this pain or even attempt share it with me.
My heart is broken, my soul is torn and the spirit man is lost, for what they have become. I wish there was someone that understood. I wish there was someone I can talk to about this, someone that can share my pain and hold my hands as I got through this dark, long and lonely tunnel. I though that was what my boyfriend, my lover and husband was for, but he does not understand, he can not handle this, this is alien and foreign to him, but this is not his image of me. My battle is from both sides. I am not sure which pain is greater.
I am dealing with a lot of s*** right now. I am really struggling with my emotions and it is just so hard not to think or doing anything else.
I wrote down the worse of my emotions last night and my boyfriend, my lover, my husband – Augustus saw it. I guess it really scarred him and I can imagine him thinking “what thing did I end up with” what kind of person is this that thinks and writes such a thing”. Well, this is rage, rage rage, rage I feel so much rage towards *my situation* right now, it is hard for anyone to imagine how I feel. Not even Augustus. He does not know how to respond to anyone’s emotions, including mine and anything is unfamiliar with; he refused to understand or comprehend it. It repels him and he thinks that he can forcefully eject out from me.
I really struggle when he behaves like this. I don’t get an emotional support from him at all and sometimes, it is really hard for me. Emotions for me are the rawness of my soul and spirit, the tiny speaking voices, with cords that attempt to tear my soul apart and suffocate my spirit. I get torn from my spirit man, I seek to understand or see the invincible hand of God, to understand why this has happened. I am lost in my own battle to secure my soul and spirit, from the destruction of this rage. I used to lash out, and let it consume me, take me to a dark alley of self- pity, rejection and sorrow; but now , I simply write about it, furiously typing away at my laptop, pouring out the darkest innermost things from the tiny voices taking temporary refugee in my soul and spirit.
In this situation, I look at people around me in a different light, I see all the fault of those closest to me, including my boyfriend, my lover my husband- Augustus and I struggle to love, love like I know it. I looked at him yesterday, talking and speaking to me about his day and there I was emotional drained and torn with the state of my soul and spirit. I kept thinking of what he could do to help me, a kiss, a cuddle, someone to talk to, pour out my spirit and soul to, but I know that he can never handle it. I sit in his heart, an image of what he expects and wants. He does all he can to fit me into his mould, by talking, forcing or breaking me., Most times, I decided to change, ‘cos I love him too much to do otherwise. My love for him is at a depth and length that I can not imagine not being with him. In the process I settle for what I get from him… sometimes, emotional, I don’t think my soul and spirit is married to his. In my state of rage, I see his faults and shortcomings and resign to what I can never get. I am a very content person, I am happy with whatever I get and where I am, ‘cos I believe I put in a lot and most times my best into whatever I do, and as they say “you can only do your best” I went into the bathroom yesterday after the confrontation and I cried and cried, I cried in the shower, until my eyes were blood red and my head was pounding. I wished the one I loved followed me upstairs, stood at the door and tried to take away this pain or even attempt share it with me.
My heart is broken, my soul is torn and the spirit man is lost, for what they have become. I wish there was someone that understood. I wish there was someone I can talk to about this, someone that can share my pain and hold my hands as I got through this dark, long and lonely tunnel. I though that was what my boyfriend, my lover and husband was for, but he does not understand, he can not handle this, this is alien and foreign to him, but this is not his image of me. My battle is from both sides. I am not sure which pain is greater.
Thursday 3 January 2008
Naija men 101... finding mr.right in London
A lot of my female friends are at the point that they are talking about getting married and looking for “Mr Right” most of them are falling in and out of relationships and sometimes, they turn to me for my take on things. In the past, I am quick to condemn them and forceful make them to see reasons, but I have been burned so many times and now I just keep my mouth shut and simply listen to their views and sometimes, watch them dig themselves into a hole. But guess what guys, this is my blog, my voice and I will say things as I see them.
I don’t care what a woman says, no naija guy wants to be asked out, they enjoy the chase and it is your place to play hard to get, naija men will not keep anything that comes easy.
Never ever, assume you are dating a naija man, until he actually says so. I have known naija men that said “Did I ask her out”?
Everyman wants to have sex with you, no matter what religion they belong to. If you don’t want to have sex, it is ok, but please don’t throw it at their faces, even before they ask you out.
Keep your past sexual escapades to yourself. Naija man will run if he thinks you know a thing or two.
Please leave all your spiritual talks behind, demons, witches, snakes, cats etc. These things scare the hell out of naija men. You will only drive them away.
Be careful how you get too spiritual. They like women that are prayerful, but not those that keep binding and bounding the devil each time they see a bat, dog or cat.
I know you have money, you are a contractor with a good income, but please naija men don’t like wasteful girls. Those that boast about their £350 Gucci bags, £150 tee shirt and £600 LV bags. You look stupid when you spend £700 on a bag and you live a rented flat in Newham! Keep it real at all times.
Keep away from his family; don’t be too eager to speak to the siblings, visit the mother or aunty that came into town. You are not a wife, until they put a ring on your finger.
You can never force a naija man to propose to you. Forget it, even if he talks about it, I want to marry you is not the same as buying a ring, proposing, calling his family and friends to announce the engaged… all in this order. Engagements can be broken.
Leave your man’s friends alone. Even if you knew them before, be very careful. Their loyalty always lies with your man not you. Just love them but don’t get too close.
Easy with cooking, washing and cleaning for a man, before you marry him, remember, men tend to think “if it too good to be true, then it is not”.
Keep your mouth shut; don’t yap too much about the dramas of your female friends. I know someone that did not date a girl ‘cos she kept complaining about her girlfriends and falling out with them.
Don’t take you man to family dinners or invite him to speak to your parents on the phone, unless he actually asked you.
You must be ready to compromise and change, if required, ‘cos you are not as perfect as you think and naija men don’t compromise or change.
Naija men have issues with naija girls that have dated “white guys”… don’t ask me why, but that is how it goes.
Don’t yap too much about your ex- especially if the exs with children, exs that are 15-10years older than you. Naija men just simply can not handle it.
Naija men like strong women, must be able to hold down a job, have ambition and drive.
Be careful of naija men that will marry you for your career, family name or father’s money.
If everything fails and the relationships still don’t work, please don’t beg him oh! Let him go and keep away from him and his FRIENDS.
Wednesday 2 January 2008
Bhutto gone... and son steps in
Hi all,
Happy New Year and happy new beginnings to you all. I hope this year brings all the things you every wish for.
Alot happened in the last days of 2007.
Bhutto gone… and sons in
Bhutto assassinated, very shocking. I don’t understand the barbaric nature of the so called suicide bombers, hajj fighters and anyone else that kills, not in self-defence, just to get a point across. These people are killers, with absolutely no human soul. They say they kill in the name of god? Where is the God that can not fight its own battles? Where is the God that can not stand up for itself? Is he not the giver or life, how can we, mere mortals, take other people’s lives? I am completely disgusted with the ideology behind these senseless killings.
Why has her 19year old, 1st undergraduate student son being appointed the party’s leaders? PPP is the most popular party in Pakistan. Is there no one, outside the Bhutto family that can take over the management of the party? When have political parties leadership become a family business and in heritance? Honour and respect to the Bhutto family and what they stand for, but I need some answers from the people of Pakistan. One of the good signs of a good leader is the ability to groom and create potential leaders, to carry the touch when you step down. Is this is politicraze? Pakistani people, please enlighten me
kenya... 150 people dead
Another politicraze in kenya. 150 people killed in ethnic cleansing, 'cos of disputed presidential election. Existign president Kabiya was sworn in for another term, admist cry of election rigging and irregularities by other parties and international community. Na only Africa this kind of thing dey happen. Imagine, the president was beign sworn in, at the same time that the streets were fillign wiht dead bodies. women and children burnt alive in a church where they were hiding. Black people, when are you going to love yourselves?
Black on black teenage killings in London
I don’t care what anyone says, especially the black community. This is going on for far too long. This is definitely a black problem, with our young black boys killing themselves. Another teenage was killed in London a few days ago, stabbed to death, by other young boys, all under the age of 18years. When is the black community going to wake up to this problem and sort it out? Where are the black parents? When are we going to stop buring our own, killed by us?
Ribadu on forced one year study leave
Another sad day for Nigeria. Ribadu has now been sent on compulsory, 1yr study leave. He is unlikely to return as the chairman of EFCC - the corruption police force. Naija politicians’ dey craze. Ori gbogbo government ti daru, Is Yaradua sleeping (God, did Nigerian actually vote for this man? ) Ribadu is one of the very few people that stealing governors and politicians are afreaid of . People say "the beginning of wisdom is the fear of Ribadu", now he is been set off. Surely, Ibori and the 31 ex-governor being investigated have a hand in all of this. I can smell s*** and it really stinks!
Great western trains delayed today again and yet fares were increased. I now pay £2pds more!
On a brighter note, it is another year and I am looking forward to a lot of good things happening; here in the UK and in Nigeria. I am challenging myself, to write a blog entry in French, by the end of January, so people watch up.
Happy New Year and happy new beginnings to you all. I hope this year brings all the things you every wish for.
Alot happened in the last days of 2007.
Bhutto gone… and sons in
Bhutto assassinated, very shocking. I don’t understand the barbaric nature of the so called suicide bombers, hajj fighters and anyone else that kills, not in self-defence, just to get a point across. These people are killers, with absolutely no human soul. They say they kill in the name of god? Where is the God that can not fight its own battles? Where is the God that can not stand up for itself? Is he not the giver or life, how can we, mere mortals, take other people’s lives? I am completely disgusted with the ideology behind these senseless killings.
Why has her 19year old, 1st undergraduate student son being appointed the party’s leaders? PPP is the most popular party in Pakistan. Is there no one, outside the Bhutto family that can take over the management of the party? When have political parties leadership become a family business and in heritance? Honour and respect to the Bhutto family and what they stand for, but I need some answers from the people of Pakistan. One of the good signs of a good leader is the ability to groom and create potential leaders, to carry the touch when you step down. Is this is politicraze? Pakistani people, please enlighten me
kenya... 150 people dead
Another politicraze in kenya. 150 people killed in ethnic cleansing, 'cos of disputed presidential election. Existign president Kabiya was sworn in for another term, admist cry of election rigging and irregularities by other parties and international community. Na only Africa this kind of thing dey happen. Imagine, the president was beign sworn in, at the same time that the streets were fillign wiht dead bodies. women and children burnt alive in a church where they were hiding. Black people, when are you going to love yourselves?
Black on black teenage killings in London
I don’t care what anyone says, especially the black community. This is going on for far too long. This is definitely a black problem, with our young black boys killing themselves. Another teenage was killed in London a few days ago, stabbed to death, by other young boys, all under the age of 18years. When is the black community going to wake up to this problem and sort it out? Where are the black parents? When are we going to stop buring our own, killed by us?
Ribadu on forced one year study leave
Another sad day for Nigeria. Ribadu has now been sent on compulsory, 1yr study leave. He is unlikely to return as the chairman of EFCC - the corruption police force. Naija politicians’ dey craze. Ori gbogbo government ti daru, Is Yaradua sleeping (God, did Nigerian actually vote for this man? ) Ribadu is one of the very few people that stealing governors and politicians are afreaid of . People say "the beginning of wisdom is the fear of Ribadu", now he is been set off. Surely, Ibori and the 31 ex-governor being investigated have a hand in all of this. I can smell s*** and it really stinks!
Great western trains delayed today again and yet fares were increased. I now pay £2pds more!
On a brighter note, it is another year and I am looking forward to a lot of good things happening; here in the UK and in Nigeria. I am challenging myself, to write a blog entry in French, by the end of January, so people watch up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)